she was so not down for the gang bang
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
