just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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