What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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