we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
