well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
