the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
