Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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