Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
