she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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