I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
