You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
