when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
