Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
