Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
