There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
