i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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