My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
