God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
