me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
