i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
