if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
