i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
