I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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