No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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