I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
