I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
