So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
