Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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