I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
