Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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