There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
