You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
