i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
someone owes me an orgasm
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
