By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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