I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
