I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
