When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
