I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
