That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
