you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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