also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
