how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
