i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
