if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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