There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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