Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
