I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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