I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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