Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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