i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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